You were brought up all wrong!

Here's a new rant - well an old one really but it resurfaced its ugly head yesterday, and combined with my current condition, my temper flared and I almost went into hyperventilation.

SO. The story goes like this. My father and aunt/cousin but I call her aunt out of her respect and age difference, were kicked out of the village where they are high chiefs - out of the very village that they have virtually spilled blood for, sweated for and given half their life savings to support. Yes, that village. If anything, I have a deep loathing for that village because of what they have done to my family over the years. However, my father's roots are deeply embedded in this village despite that fact he has never lived there. His heart is there because it is the land of his forefathers. My aunt is perhaps the only one of our line of descendants who has followed my father in his dream to be an integral part of this village. Her heart is buried deep in the essence of the faasamoa, and there are few people I have seen to be as devoted to the culture as she. So it was a huge blow to them both when they were banished from the village merely because they were fighting for their rights to family titles and land. Although this only added fuel to the flame of my loathing of this village, I was quite happy that my father would no longer have to be subjected to worrying daily about the goings-on of this village. This was sometime mid 2009. Then my father was taken to NZ for medical treatment. One day 3 chiefs from "the village", appeared at our house while I was at work - demanding to see my father - apparently to give him the "good news" that after much deliberation and blood-shed, my father and aunt would be accepted back into the fold. A few days later, my aunt called to ask for a contribution on behalf of my father. When she called, I was at medcen, Eden had just been admitted for pneumonia and I was penniless - literally! I told her I honestly had no money but I would try. She told me to call my father in NZ to ask for the money. To be honest, I was annoyed that she ask my father - did she know the state he was in - he had lost his memory, didn't know anyone - couldn't even remember he had a daughter named Nydia, had no control over his bowels and would go wherever he was standing or sitting, half the time he had to be locked in the room because he had been found walking on the street half-naked - and she wanted me to ask him for money?? My aunt told me the contribution would be presented to the village on Saturday. It was Wednesday. By Friday I was able to scrape together $200 and a fine mat from under my father's bed - I did it out of love for my father although I was extremely resentful of the circumstances. On Friday, I had to go to Savaii urgently for work - while Eden was STILL in hospital. I left the money and fine mat with the babysitter at home in case my aunt came by. I got home on Friday evening and the housegirl (different from the babysitter) told me my aunt had called to ask if I had left anything and she said NO. NO!!!! I had a fit - where was the fucking $200 I left??? The stupid babysitter had forgotten to let the housegirl know. I immediately called up my aunt but no answer. When I finally got through the phone, my cousin answered and when I said it was me, he swore at me and said it was too late, they were already in front of the village and hung up. Needless to say I was PISSED. Pissed at the fucking incompetent babysitter and housegirl, and pissed at my cousin for swearing at me, and pissed because my aunt had said the money was needed on Saturday NOT Friday, and just plain pissed that I was having a bloody bad week! So that was the end of that - I decided "to hell with that village and their problems and why did I even bother to look for money for!!!"

Then yesterday, my father went to visit my aunt at the family crib at Lalovaea. He came back, sat me down like a 2 year old child and proceeded to reprimand me for not giving any money for the faalavelave. I couldn't be bothered explaining the details - I just told him I had no money at the time. Apparently my aunt told him that I had refused to give her money and that it was my DUTY to give money no matter how broke I am or in dire financial difficulty - I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN THE MONEY - especially as she was desperate at the time to collect enough money for the occasion - and she told my father that they have brought me up all wrong and my values and priorities are all in the wrong place.

Can you imagine what my reaction was to that?? Being told that my values and priorities are in the wrong place? Ok let me list down what my priorities were at the time - NUMBER 1 - pay my daughter's medical bill. NUMBER 2 - make sure there was money left to buy food....and then maybe at NUMBER 5 is a contribution towards something which I disapprove of because I think these village chiefs only decided to accept them because they needed money! So yes, if you're telling me that my priorities are wrong, so be it. I am sorry that I am being perceived in this light, and YES I do agree that it is my duty to contribute and I would gladly do so as I have done with so many other traditional occasions, but circumstances would have it that it was not to be the case!!!

So this is my rant. I can't get it out of my head - "that I was brought up all wrong....values and priorities in the wrong place..." I guess I don't bear any grudges, and it doesn't matter to me if she does because she thinks I shied away from my responsibility, but still, it hurts because I DID make a damn effort.